My Emotional Savings Account

God delivered me from emotional bankruptcy and made some major deposits in my life.  Now, I currently maintain an emotional savings account.  

In this account I safeguard my love, happiness, faith, hopes and dreams.  There is very limited (if any) access.  No unnecessary withdrawals. No transfer of funds.  

I learned that people will continue to emotionally drain you when you have nothing left. Thus, leaving you in overdraft. I consider them to be emotional hackers.  They manage to work their way into your life.  They make you feel good for a little while.  Then they ask for small withdrawals. The cycle continues.  They keep taking all you have to give and give nothing in return.  They are generally co-dependent or high maintenance personalities. They can only thrive on your emotional healthiness. They have no emotional credit worthiness!

Well, my ATM (Augmenting Their Mental state of Mind) is temporarily closed. Yes. Closed.  The spiritual detox showed me that the devil will wear you down until nothing is left.  His goal is to weaken your mental and emotional state to where you feel hopeless and inferior.  The work of the enemy is more powerful than you think.  Dealing with your own demons is nothing compared to dealing with someone else's.  (Let God handle the deliverance.)

I remember having to emotionally pour into my child when I was emotionally spent.  I wanted him to feel safe and secure.  I wanted him to feel like things were going to get better.  How do you do that when you can't quite get there yourself?  It's like lying to your soul.  But God stepped in and made some deposits.  If it had not been for God, I'd still be emotionally bankrupt. 

Anyone who really knows me, know that I'll do whatever I can for you, if you are willing to help yourself first.  But like anything else in life you have to manage it.  If it gets out of hand, depression moves in from the overdraft account.  

I don't mean to sound selfish, but we destroy ourselves trying to save everybody else.  Our lives become wrought with resentment, guilty and anger. That's a triple threat that can lead to emotional loss and can destroy relationships.  I remember feeling this way, quite often.  It's not good for the mind or spirit.  You're making deposits in the wrong accounts.

So, I decided to step back from some family and friends and emotionally check out for a bit.  It's for my own good and probably their's in the long run.  I need some time to build up my reserve. I never know when I need to make a withdrawal for myself let alone anyone else.  I've done a lot of emotional and mental work to get where I am now.  I'm a very different being than I was a year ago.  I'm not willing to sacrifice all of that for mindless withdrawals.  I want to spend my emotions on people and relationships that will help me grow spiritually.  

I've stop letting people who do so little for me control so much of my mind, feelings and emotions.  

Who's making deposits in your emotional savings account?  Who's making withdrawals from your ATM?  Start investing in you!

#emotionalsavingsaccount #nomorewithdrawals #I'mPossibleInvestments 

Are you Houseful but Homeless?

When I separated, I left our house.  It was a quick transition.  I made the decision to leave on a Monday, found an apartment on Wednesday and moved out in a matter of hours on that same Friday.  (Just remember, I don’t mess around when it’s time to handle business.)  By Saturday morning, my son and I were waking up in a swanky apartment less than 10 minutes away.  Jay was most excited about having his own bathroom and a private pool.  More importantly we were together and okay.  Many questioned why I left “the house.”  My response was that it no longer felt like home.  It was just a house that I lived in.  It may have meant more to Jay because that’s the only home he knew.  It broke my heart to take him away from his home, but God was at it again.

The apartment was ideal, but living was different. We were tucked away. I was six minutes from Jay’s school and literally two minutes (with traffic) to my job.  I was in living in the heartbeat of the city.  We felt safe again, at least for a little while. 

The apartment is where I experienced my emotional bankruptcy.  Looking in the rearview mirror, the apartment didn’t have a lot of windows that we were accustomed to at the house.  No carpet but cold concrete floors.  It became very dark on cloudy and rainy days although it felt quite cozy most days.  Fast forward about 12 months later, all hell broke loose again!  I was demoted on my job which came with all of it’s disadvantages a week after I signed another lease. Surely, Jay and I needed somewhere to stay. I was not in a financial or emotional state to move again.

A month later, I signed divorce papers.

 

I really felt homeless, again. However, directly across the street a townhome was for sale. It was a bright pale yellow home among a rainbow of townhouses.  Jay and I had coveted that house for months. (Yes, I coveted.  I sinned.  Desperation will make you do that.)  Jay told me we are going to live in that house. God was speaking through my child again!  On September 13, we moved directly across the street in the townhouse I had prayed for. (Mind you, I was demoted, financially strained and divorced within a matter of weeks!)

Praise note: WON’T HE DO IT!

I say all of this to let you know that the house that I moved from was no longer a home.  There was hurt, pain, confusion, demonic spirits and depression residing there.  God does not intend for us to reside in homes filled with such ungodliness.  That’s why He moved me. The apartment served as a temporary location for me detox—like a rehab facility.  The apartment was where I rode the emotional rollercoaster day in and day out.  It’s was my final battleground to leave one thing and transition to another. 

Now we have a HOME full of love and happiness.  Our home is not huge, but much larger than our apartment. There are lots of windows.  We take in morning and evening sun.  It’s bright even on cloudy and rainy days.  The ceilings are high like the heavens.  Although I’m in midst of the hustle and bustle of downtown (train station to the left and fire station directly across the street), it is the most peaceful and quiet sanctuary. 

We open our home to fellowship with family and friends often. However, spirits of confusion, lust, deceit and all that other ungodly stuff aren't welcomed under ANY circumstances.  I check those things at the door.  My home is not an open invitation for anything or anyone—House Rules.  We live, love and pray in this home.  We cry occasionally.  Crying means God is still moving us spiritually.

Who or what are you allowing to reside in your home?  Is it your sanctuary or battleground?  Are you HOUSEFUL BUT HOMELESS?  Ask God to move you from your current residence.  He will build you a HOME.  He built one for me.

#HousefulbutHomeless #HouseRules #Who’sResidingInYourHouse

Emotional Bankruptcy

My confession of a soul tie sparked more conversation than I anticipated. The engagement confirms that there is a lot of healing that needs to happen.  We don't often realize that we allow the same spirits to occupy our relationships, hearts and emotions.  

We are unknowingly being driven to emotional bankruptcy.  Emotional bankruptcy is a desolate place.  It happens when we've spent every ounce of love and emotion coming up completely empty. We've looked for love in familiar and unlikely places yielding the same results. NOTHING. We become numb and desperate.  

I had a brief moment of emotional bankruptcy.  May I emphasize, brief. They were the darkest two weeks of my life.  I shut out my entire world--family, friends and almost gave up on God.  I repeat, almost.  It was the first Christmas I was separated.  (Christmas is next to the rapture in my house!) I could not cope with the change.  I allowed the spirit of depression and despair enter and reside in my heart and mind.  It was horrendous.  If you've never battled severe depression, thank God you have been spared. It's an ugly place to be even if for a moment. 

I couldn't eat, sleep or think clearly.  I didn't know what else to pray for.  I had given it all to God over and over again.   Despite my counseling sessions and anti-depressants, I couldn't get it together.  When asked if I had thoughts of suicide, I would say no.  But I didn't disclose that I would have thoughts about if I were no longer here.  Is there really a difference?  I never tried or wanted to harm myself.  It was only Satan trying to convince me that I had nothing to live for anymore. He wanted me to give up or give in. 

What was I doing that was so wrong and deserving of this?  God was transforming me.  

I started to see changes in Jay.  Satan was moving in on my seed, my child, my heart.  I was so caught up in my world of pain and I never once considered what I was putting him through.  He didn't ask for this.  I never wanted him to be another statistic.  

Then God moved....

It was a moment talking with Jay that God made a deposit.  I can't recall of the details, but my heart was breaking all over again. As a mother, I could not have my child live the emotional hell I was going through.  He had lost his family unit and he didn't need to lose me in the process.  

God used Jay in so many ways during this transition to speak to me. A counselor referred to him as an indigo child who are are children who are believed to possess special, unusual and sometimes supernatural traits or abilities. I call it nothing but the  Spirit of God using one of His vessels to do His will. Don't ever underestimate who God will use and how He will move.

All of this may sound strange to you.  That's okay...   This is my testimony. 

I was in a very imperfect state, but God carried and loved me all the way through it. I recovered with God's power and grace. I endured emotional bankruptcy to tell you it won't last.  It will only make you stronger when the next life episode comes your way.  You never know how close you are to a deposit.

When I peep in that rearview mirror, I realize I'm so much stronger now, emotionally and spiritually. God has made some unimaginable deposits in my life.  Now I'm living in overflow.  

#emotionalbankruptcy  #donotgiveuporin #nowI'mlivinginoverflow   

My Spiritual Detox: Confession of a Soul Tie

During my darkest moments while transitioning to the end of my marriage, I had a spiritual detox—a full confession of everything that ailed me spiritually.  I furiously wrote in my journal EVERYTHING that I needed God to remove from my heart, my mind and soul.  I mean EVERYTHING.  I wrote down generational curses, past hurts, secrets and anything I could think of that I thought caused the breakdown in my marriage.  I prayed that if I came clean of all of my emotional and spiritual ailments, that it would save my marriage.  I was completely wrong—IT SAVED ME!  God was really up to something greater.

While detoxing, I confessed a soul tie that I had carried from a previous relationship.  Pause: this soul tie was not reason that my marriage ended. Soul ties are formed when souls are knit together; the bible references as becoming one flesh.  The knitting can be emotional, sexual or created by a vow.  Soul ties can be very unhealthy if created in an ungodly manner.  1 Corinthians 6:16 says “Or do you know that he who is joining to a prostitute becomes one body with her?  For, as it is written, “The two will become one flesh.”  This illustration does not refer to prostitution—it’s a biblical reference to fornication.  So, let’s not get comfortable with this doesn’t apply to you.  Soul ties can be beautiful when you are tied to the one person that God has ordained you to be with.  Ephesians 5:31 says “Therefore a man shall leave this father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”  I refer to Scriptures to validate becoming “one flesh.” (Read the Word for your own understanding. You may hear from God about your own detox.)

Soul ties fill a void in your heart and soul.  As I managed my depression on a daily basis so did I manage my soul tie.  I didn’t talk about it.  I didn’t write about.  I didn’t wear it on my sleeve. Please understand that my soul tie was an emotional one.  I still loved this person.  It was when things went wrong in my marriage, I would think about what my life would be like if I was with him.  I’m human.  Anger, frustration, depression will make your mind think about a lot of ungodly thoughts.  It was the desire to know what my life would be like if we were still together or how I yearned for the same type of love we had together.  The devil can make your brokenness so convenient.

I never reached out to my soul tie during my marriage. There was one phone call from him but nothing that was more than how are you and how’s the family. Click!  In my mind that would have been cheating or very close to it! Seemingly harmless?  Yes, but it cracks the doors to a lot of other spirits to invade your relationship/marriage and relationship with Jesus.  I decided to shut the windows and doors and seal every crack.  It started with me—I repented.

Repenting is very hard to do.  It requires you to become naked about what is spiritually, emotionally and physically destroying you.  There I stood spiritually naked before God pouring out my soul.  I asked him to cut every soul tie, break every curse and destroy every ungodly bond.  Detoxing!  I rid my soul of anything that I felt was getting in the way of my marriage and relationship with God. It was exhausting yet liberating.

My confession is why I haven’t rushed into another relationship.  I shared my life with someone for about 14 years and had a child from the union. There is still a connection.  I’m working through another spiritual and emotional detox.  (Reread my post Traveling Without Baggage again for a refresher.)

What is your soul tied to?  Untie the one thing that is keeping you from being I’mPossible.  You owe it to yourself and God.

#spiritualdetox #confessionofasoultie #I’mPerfectlyhonestandI’mokay

Withholding Nothing

There is a song by William McDowell I listen to regularly, Withholding Nothing.  I consider it my personal praise and worship song.  It’s the one I sing when I cry out to God.  It’s the one that I hum when I need to calm my spirit.  I listen to it at work, in the car, walking in the park or wherever when I need to hear from Him.  The words beautifully instruct me to surrender and give all of me to Him.  No holding back, withholding nothing! 

More importantly it speaks to how our relationship with God should be open and sincerely giving.  Why can’t our relationships and marriages mirror our relationship with God?  The only answer that comes to mind is that we are withholding from ourselves.  We aren't being honest about who and what we are. We should know whose we are if nothing else.

I remember being at the altar one Sunday for prayer several years ago. Another woman at the altar whispered to me and said, “Whatever you do put God first in your marriage.”  I’d see her regularly at church with her two children and never with a spouse.  To be honest, that’s not uncommon to see married women at church without their spouse.  I never draw conclusions about those situations.  You don't know the other person's journey.  It was only until last year that she shared that she was divorced.  I shared my status with her as well.  She made me think about where I was headed, but it was good to know that I wasn’t alone in how I was thinking or feeling. 

Here’s what I really want to share….

Why are we withholding our heart and soul from the very Being who gives us breath and supplies our every need?  Why are we doing the same thing in our relationships and marriages?  Why do we give our jobs, hobbies and other interests our all, but we withhold everything from those we say we love. Why are we withholding from the very person who loves us, prays for us, the one we made a promise to?  Peeping in my rearview mirror, God was not first in my marriage.  Putting God first is a collective and consistent effort. You can't choose when to make Him first when times are tough.  

If I gained nothing else while being separated, I learned to withhold nothing and surrender all to Christ.  I had nowhere to go.  No one else could fix my problems.  I couldn’t do it, even though I tried with all my heart. I kept a prayer journal while my marriage started unraveling.  Change that—unraveling implies there was a strong tie.  While my marriage was falling apart, I wrote every feeling, emotion, fear and prayer I could think of.  I put it all on paper so I read and prayed the words over and over.  It was my emotional bible.  Everything I thought and cried about was in that journal—withholding nothing.  I never shared this journal with my spouse.

There are things that my ex-spouse may never know about me.  I started withholding because I could no longer expect things to change.  Trust had evaporated. Withholding was my coping mechanism. I had to survive this turmoil somehow.  Withholding was the only power I had left in a dire situation.  That's why I did it and my covenant becomes a broken promise.  You have nothing to grow from and evolve to.  I don’t believe marriages should be maintenance contracts.  (Maintenance contracts will be a future post.)  Marriage should be a journey together through all that life has to offer love, fears, happiness, loss and dreams—the good, bad, the ugly and indifferent.

Occasionally I’ll read the entries in my journals.  Sometimes I cry when I stumble upon some very dark moments in my life.  My tears are tears of joy because my heart is rejoicing that He delivered me. 

Start withholding nothing now.  Learn to surrender all.  Surrendering is not easy.  You become vulnerable and naked.  Expect a move of God when you do.  When you surrender, He will mend broken hearts, strengthen relationships and restore love. He will deliver you from whatever you’re withholding.  All you have to do is surrender. When you, it’s a feeling that I can’t describe.  

What are you withholding from God, your relationships or yourself? Surrender all now if you expect something different in your life. I'm expecting an I'mPossible relationship full of God's love and happiness. 

What are you expecting? 

#withholdingnothing  #expectingamoveofGod  #Isurrenderall

Unlimited Access

I noticed the other day while doing some financial business online, I was asked if I wanted to add another authorized user.  Basically I would give another person full access to my account and the ability to make transactions without accountability.  I quickly checked, decline.  

I started thinking about how easy it is to give others access to our finances and other resources including our hearts.  When we give away our hearts we are giving away a whole lot more than we realize.  We are giving access to our fears and dreams.  We're unlocking our emotional closet and giving them the key.  I call it unlimited access.

I did that once, okay twice.  I gave away my key but the other person never gave me theirs. I'm not even sure if I asked for access or I may have assumed if you are in a serious relationship or marriage it was a requirement. Never assume anything.

In marriage, I gave a lot of access as a wife should, but divorce forced me to figure out how to get it all back.  Some keys I couldn't find.  Others I didn't know where I put them.  A few just got left behind.  They weren't worth looking for.  They may all be in the baggage that I unpacked and simply tossed them away.  

If you are in a relationship, you don't have to hand over all of your keys and give full access just yet.  Some keys shouldn't be handed over until you've entered the covenant of marriage.  If you do and the relationship ends, think about what you have to recover to move on.  Some keys and access are meant for the one person you promise to spend the rest of your life with.  (I initially wanted to use the verb intend rather than promise.  I caught myself thinking in divorce mode and not I'mPossible mode. I'm still growing.)

Do not give access to just anyone. That's how we find ourselves going after someone who is not healthy for you emotionally and spiritually. Let's be clear that sexual access creates more issues than our hearts can imagine. Let's be adults. If you are willing to give the unlimited access, are you prepared for the unlimited consequences?  

Then in one moment, the relationship has ended and you keep yearning to be with the person you gave full access and they aren't yearning to be with you. The other person didn't share any fears or dreams. They didn't emotionally invest in the relationship or it may have been an unhealthy relationship, but you still want to be with that person. You gave them something that is emotionally or spiritually tied to the core of your being. You've created a soul tie, an emotional bond that connects you to someone else. (We'll talk about the power of soul ties later.) Now you are resentful still wanting access to someone.

It's a tough lesson to learn but you grow from it. When I mentioned in a previous post that I wasn't ready to start dating again, I meant that I was afraid.  I've never really dated. I go from the first dinner and movie directly into a relationship.  This may not be normal, but it was me. May I emphasize the verb is past tense in the previous sentence.  Our emotions are real and very powerful.  If I start giving away keys and access with the wrong person, I'll end up losing everything that I'm asking God to restore in my life.

So, I'm in limited access mode.  Currently, there's no one but God that requires all access in my life.  Yes, the struggle is real but worth the I'mPossible relationship.

#limitedaccess #nomoresoulties  #I'mPossiblerelationship

 

The Little Things

I've had a hellacious week! I don't have the energy or desire to take you through it all. (No rearview mirrors, remember?) This blog blurb is to remind you how important words can make a world of difference in someone's thinking. 

Here are some little things that made me feel like Ms. Big Thing today.

An employee told me I was a blessing. More importantly it was the spirit in which he shared it.  He had a simple request and was very respectful of my time and always apologizes if he feels like he's intruding.  He gets so excited about the little things in life and he makes me realize how complicated I can make my life. I love  to hear him talk about his children. He such a proud father and always asks about my boys.  He just loves how God has blessed him and so should I.

Later in the morning I discovered my Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.  A friend had asked me about my results last week and I couldn't locate them. I called to tell her that I'm an ESFJ, Extraversion, Sensing, Feeling, Judging. (You'll get a chance to see all of these personality types along this journey.)  Just our brief conversation about my type, got me all excited about what I had forgotten about myself the last couple of years.  It's a shame I had to see it on paper. (I see I'mPossibilities for myself in this area.) She emphatically said that I was special.  I quickly told her that it was good to hear something positive again today!

Fast foward to a late lunch, I debated on whether to go home or run a couple of errands.  I chose the errands because they were critical- get gas, pick up paperwork from the eye doctor and get food! As I waited for my food, one of the male workers told me he really liked my haircut. I graciously thanked him because I don't receive (what I think are genuine) compliments from males often about my hair.  It sounds weird, I know.  Draw your own conclusions if you wish, but he really made me feel good about my outward appearance! I've struggled with my weight gain and cutting my much longer hair was an Angela Bassett move from Waiting to Exhale. Don't judge me! 

I've had a tough go of a week and three people made me feel like I was on top of the world.  It may not have seem like much to you, but it made a seemingly crazy week get much better in a matter of hours for me.  It doesn't take much.  It really doesn't.

We are bombarded with negativity every day on our jobs, in our churches (yes, the church), homes (and yes, again our family can be the worst) and wherever else we come in contact with people and some form of media. It's good know that human beings are still human. Sometimes we overlook the little things, the random acts of kindness.  

If you genuinely think someones haircut, shoes or handbag is fierce, then tell them!  If you would like to treat someone to a ice cold drink on a blazing hot summer day, do it.  Hug a friend or family member.  Sometimes the warmth of your heart will bring life back to theirs.  You may restore hope in mankind to someone who is on the verge of giving up all hope.  

Being human is I'mPossible.

#thelittlethings  #beinghuman