no grit. no pearl.

It's been shy of ten months since my last blog post. Seems like a lifetime in so many ways.  One of my last posts navigated you towards my metamorphosis....my evolution of self.  To some a revolution.  Either way, it's been a gritty process and I own every moment of it. In the grittiness of it all made decisions about my life that mattered the most to me and no one else.  They were changes that were hard and necessary.  

Within my shell of a life....there was a lot of grittiness.

The formation of a natural pearl begins when a foreign substance slips into the oyster between the mantle and the shell, which irritates the mantle, the organ that produces the oyster's shell.  It's kind of like the oyster getting a splinter. The oyster's natural reaction is to cover up that irritant to protect itself. The mantle covers the irritant with layers of the same nacre substance that is used to create the shell which lines the inside of the shells.  This eventually forms a pearl.

The first was to acknowledge the spiritual grittiness in my life. Nudging myself into a house of worship that offered no peace or solace.  (The bigger lesson here is a physical church is not the place where we should be seeking peace in the first place.)  In February I made a bold decision to leave a church where I had worshiped for over 15 years.  The decision was based on my desire to move forward with my life and without dealing and wrestling with remnants of a troubled past.  Having near panic attacks in church was a sign that my spirit was not where is was supposed to be.  This was real and disturbing! 

My foreign substances were lack of forgiveness, seeking closure and answers in the wrong places and people.  The irritating substances were robbing me of any peace and joy I had. It was raw and gritty.  It really became complicated. So, 

I simply walked away.  

No regrets.

While in this shell, I'm learning to mend and end relationships.  The most important relationship I'm mending is the one with God.  It's the relationship I did not give as much work, time or commitment to.  I'm learning to praise God in the grit of it all.  The shell often feels dark, hopeless and lonely. 

For once I didn't feel obligated to explain my decisions. Although I am always open to share my story.  Change is hard but often necessary. It's an imperfect process.  God is teaching me not to fear change but to embrace it with patience and humility.  The Lord knows I struggle with patience. He is still shaping and forming me in this shell.

Whether others see this as my personal evolution or revolution, it's a process. A process in which I will become cultured in appreciating the changes in my inner shell.  

My bracelet is a reminder of this metamorphosis.  No grit. No pearl.