Traveling Without Baggage

When I moved into my home last year, I was determined to get rid of every cardboard box by the end of the week.  I wanted it to feel like home.  Finally Jay and I would no longer be in transition.  Every packed item would have it's own new place.  As I unpacked I realized there were things I no longer needed or wanted.  

Letting go is hard and I still have some unpacked baggage.  Some stuff I've held on for almost 20 years.  All it does is weigh me down and impede my progress.  I've carried this baggage with me from relationship to relationship. Each bag contains a hurt, regret, broken promises or insecurities.  Why am I carrying this stuff around? 

Shortly after my divorce, I was asked if I were dating.  My response was a quick and emphatic, "NO!"  I didn't want or need anymore distractions in my life. Do people really divorce on Friday and start dating on Monday?  You can tell it's been years since I've been single.  The thought of it all was scary and just seemed wrong.  It felt like I was cheating!  Weird, I know! It was too much.  I wanted to make sure that my boys were okay.  So, I'm good, but not really.

It's time to unpack.....!

Almost a year later I know God is giving me this time and space to unpack. He does not intend for me to keep carrying around all of these bags.  I don't need this on my journey.  Philippians 4:19 reminds me, "And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus." 

The unpacking is a slow but steady process.  Some stuff I simply throw away without any thought.  Some I give back to the person I took it from.  It was theirs to keep anyway.  I'm sifting through the rest.

#travelingwithoutbaggage

My I'mPossible Friend

I'm a gang member.  I know, you didn't see that coming, but let me explain. 

One of my best friends coined the term to describe our friendship in response to an unwanted (on my part) friendship with someone.  She said, "We don't need more friends.  We are a gang."  Being a gang implies that we will do almost anything for one another.  When you hurt one of us, you hurt all of us. We always have each other's back.  That's what gang members do. We have gang names.  I'm FBI, For Beneficial Information.  Yep, if you need to conduct an investigation, confirm a rumor or just simply be nosy, call the FBI. I do my job VERY well. Every gang member has a purpose and run like any other operation. Don't judge me.

Well, there is one I'mPossible gang member who we call No Nonsense.  She's the one who keeps it real all of the time.  She says what she feels and how she feels.  That's good, but even better she doesn't apologize for it.  Every gang needs one in the group.  It makes the gang tougher, stronger.

No Nonsense is a mother of two young men and she has the gift of interpreting Man Speak.  Such a language does exist. You can't learn it using Rosetta Stone.  It's a gift.  It's her ministry.  Her ministry has saved me from saying more than any woman should ever say many, many times. There is power in the tongue and I'm learning not to kill and destroy others using my tongue. Like me she knows the struggle is real! 

More importantly she is my framily. She was there for me during the happiest, scariest and saddest moments in my life.  Not too many people, including my mother, can claim that privilege.  So, why is she such an I'mPossible friend?

This month No Nonsense realized her dream of becoming a published author. I share her raw voice and emotion without apology.  Follow her on her new blog http://moodscaping.blogspot.com/2014/06/moodscaping-101.html. If you want to support her, check out her new book, Moodscaping: A thoughtful collection of moods and feelings created and set in poetic phrase on Amazon.com. 
  

Meet April Michelle.  She's an I'mPossible wife, mother, friend and now author.

I'mPerfectly Made

I work for a local newspaper and credibility is everything.  It's only fair that I transparently introduce myself before we continue.

I'mPerfectly made by God, but accessorized by maturity and molded by my experiences.  I'm not PERFECT but I'm perfectly made by Him.  There is no one else with my VIN number--a limited edition.  And so are you!

I'm a divorced Christian.  I chose not to separate the two descriptors because I was a Christian when I divorced.  As a Christian I believe in the covenant of marriage and I didn't get married to get divorced.  When people tell me congratulations when I tell them I'm divorced, I get very defensive and simply reply, "I didn't get married to get divorced."  I didn't.  It's the honest truth. (Read 1 Corinthians 7 for context to be prepared to follow me if I choose to revisit the subject of marriage and divorce again.  Remember God is guiding me and we must use His navigation--not ours.) I do believe that I was spiritually immature when I got married.  That's okay. A lot of us are when we are in our twenties, thirties, forties...shall I go on? Looking back, God had a plan.  From my marriage I became a mother.  (I'll get to being a mother in a minute.)  

I'm still grieving the death of my marriage--it'll be a year in August. A person can grieve over any loss--person, job, marriage, etc.  I'm not ashamed to say that I am.  My marriage was not perfect but it was a promise I made before God.  A promise that I took seriously with all my heart and soul.  So my heart aches and my soul is broken.  I'm healing and putting the pieces of my life back together everyday.  I believe sometimes you have to tear things down and build it back up for better performance.  Just like a mechanic does when repairing a car.  There are many pieces that are connected and sometimes you have to take the darn thing apart just to figure out what the problem is.

So broken, I chose to see a professional counselor--going on two years now. Yes, I see a certified, trained professional psychologist.  I'm not crazy--I'm hurting just like everyone else in this world.  You will only benefit if you are honest with what you are dealing with and committed to make a change in your life.  I'm choosing to live.  I get depressed often, lose hope and my faith is challenged.  It's called LIVING not dying. But I'm still here.

I'm also a mother to two wonderful sons.  Being a mother of males is by far a spiritual, physical and mental challenge.  Motherhood is a commitment, a privilege and a blessing.  The struggle is real!  My battle is not only what society permeates in our lives, but spiritual.  The Bible speaks clearly about generational curses, defined as negative behavior and thinking passed on from generation to generation.  Everyday I recognize thinking and behaviors of my own that are not of God and I pray for wisdom, repentance and deliverance. As a mother, I have to be cognizant of my words, actions and behaviors.  I want to breathe life, love and hope into my sons every chance I get.  I want them to be God fearing, loving men, respectful and independent thinkers.  We communicate openly and honestly.  We love and hurt.  We laugh and cry.  We also have fun along the way.  I'm not a perfect mother. They teach me lessons everyday. They make me a better mother, a better person, a better woman.

So, you that's a snapshot of who I am now.  Probably not what you expected to hear.  Here what I do know..... 

I'mPerfectly I'mPossible.

GPS

God is Preparing Something for me! 

My life has been a whirlwind the last five years.  I will spare you the details, but you will see glimpses of my past adventures as I share lessons learned on this journey.  I couldn't help but think about every time I prepare to take a drive to an unfamiliar place, I quickly map my trip using the GPS on my vehicle, phone or some other mobile device.  I have strong Type A tendencies and I dare not know where I'm going or how long it will take me to get there! 

Recently I purchased another vehicle, my son, Jay (you'll meet him later if you haven't) said, "Mommy this new truck doesn't have navigation.  We'll get lost and we won't know where we're going!"  (I opted for a DVD player rather than navigation this time around.  I do miss having built-in navigation too.) I quickly responded, "Jay, I can use my phone or tablet.  I can even buy a separate GPS.  I want to make sure you enjoy your trips by being able to watch movies or play video games. We'll find our way."  I didn't realize how dependent we have become on NAVI.  Luckily I have a very good sense of direction and I WILL stop and ask for directions if all things GOOGLE fail.             
As my journey continues, in the last couple of years, I've veered way off course. So far off track, I keep hearing...."recalculating!"  I get nervous and concerned every time I hear the GPS' female voice say that word.  I hate not knowing where I'm going.

God is teaching me a lesson here.  I have to trust where He's taking me and stop worrying about how I'm going to get there--in His way and time.  Yes, Type A personalities like to be in control.  The day I lost total control was indescribable.  I can't even begin to explain my emotions, worries, insecurities and fears the moment it happened.  I felt like a bird without wings--completely helpless, without purpose.

God knows what's best for me.  Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare[a] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

I'm still wandering...and that's okay.  It's a part of getting there. I struggle and get frustrated...OFTEN.  Am I impatient? Very much so.  (God is working another lesson there too.)  I'm not perfect, but anything IS possible.  

I'mPerfectly I'mPossible.