Unplugging

There are many days when I feel the walls are closing in on me.  Somebody is wanting, needing or asking for something.  I work in Human Resources and an one employee resource.  There are days when multitasking is not enough. But that's only the day job.  I'm a chauffeur, bank teller, personal chef, housekeeper and Google to a nine year old. Let's not forget PTA and other obligations.

There's a line drawn in the sand and every time I cross it, it's harder to come back.  Part of that line in the sand gets washed away. Panic settles in and then BOOOOOMMMMMM! Something goes off, usually your emotions with some choice words thrown in.  For me, a panic attack.  Yep, it took me to become a grown woman to literally have a melt down.

Panic attacks are new for me.  I just started experiencing them in the last couple of years.  For a while I thought I was premenopausal and it was a horrendous hot flash as diagnosed by my mother. I was so plugged in as a wife, mother, HR professional, daughter and friend, I lost me along the way. 

Seemingly normal looking and acting people like me do have meltdowns. I'm just bold enough to admit I have them. It took a trained professional to tell me what was going on, but needless to say, it DID NOT make me feel any better.  I just added another condition and/or prescription to my HIPAA list.

There was no rhyme or reason to having them at first.  I could be in Target (one of my favorite places), at work or even at home. I even had one at the gym while working out with my trainer.  Isn't exercise supposed to reduce stress?  

We think that we always need to be connected. Research tells us to turn off our electronic devices at night to unplug ourselves from work which is a MAJOR source of stress.  Reduce our activity on social networking sites. Any one who knows me, know I love gadgets.  I carry my Samsung phablet everywhere.  My aunt was so surprised by the size, she asked if it was 5G.  (If 5G was available, I'd already be on it.)  When those beloved devices start doing weird things, we restart it, do a battery pull or unplug it and plug it back into something for it to work properly again.

I later learned that I had no way of personal release. I was losing focusing. Whining and complaining to friends only intensified the stress.  It's like a kid opening and closing a band-aid to see if the bleeding had stopped.  It's still bleeding!

My therapist told me focus on me--nothing and no one else. Now, I unplug from people and situations. I just walk away. Easier said than done but liberating when I muster up the courage to do so. I shouldn't keeping waiting until I'm in a jam, exhausted or desperate to unplug. Recently I discovered a nice 3.5 mile trail in a local park.  I usually walk with friends, but my walks alone are priceless.  I may listen to music. Sometimes I cry. I pray and talk to God. Sometimes I just walk.  Those are the times I actually hear God and what he's saying to me because I'm not listening to anyone else including myself. Especially myself.  

Do I still have panic attacks? Yes, but not as often.  I've sought spiritual and homeopathic alternatives to manage this software glitch in my body. I may call an I'mPossible friend who also has this same software glitch and she talks me off the ledge. Most often I recognize the triggers and immediately head into shutout mode. 

This is not an easy life to live and can be embarrassing. I don't hold myself hostage to the possibility of them happening.  I don't live in shame either. I'm human and that's how God perfectly designed me.

Unplugging gives me the time and space that I rarely get to refocus and regroup. I'mPerfectly okay with being me by myself! 

#GrownFolkMeltdowns  #I'mPerfectlyNotAshamed  #BeingMeByMyself