We are unknowingly being driven to emotional bankruptcy. Emotional bankruptcy is a desolate place. It happens when we've spent every ounce of love and emotion coming up completely empty. We've looked for love in familiar and unlikely places yielding the same results. NOTHING. We become numb and desperate.
I had a brief moment of emotional bankruptcy. May I emphasize, brief. They were the darkest two weeks of my life. I shut out my entire world--family, friends and almost gave up on God. I repeat, almost. It was the first Christmas I was separated. (Christmas is next to the rapture in my house!) I could not cope with the change. I allowed the spirit of depression and despair enter and reside in my heart and mind. It was horrendous. If you've never battled severe depression, thank God you have been spared. It's an ugly place to be even if for a moment.
I couldn't eat, sleep or think clearly. I didn't know what else to pray for. I had given it all to God over and over again. Despite my counseling sessions and anti-depressants, I couldn't get it together. When asked if I had thoughts of suicide, I would say no. But I didn't disclose that I would have thoughts about if I were no longer here. Is there really a difference? I never tried or wanted to harm myself. It was only Satan trying to convince me that I had nothing to live for anymore. He wanted me to give up or give in.
What was I doing that was so wrong and deserving of this? God was transforming me.
I started to see changes in Jay. Satan was moving in on my seed, my child, my heart. I was so caught up in my world of pain and I never once considered what I was putting him through. He didn't ask for this. I never wanted him to be another statistic.
Then God moved....
It was a moment talking with Jay that God made a deposit. I can't recall of the details, but my heart was breaking all over again. As a mother, I could not have my child live the emotional hell I was going through. He had lost his family unit and he didn't need to lose me in the process.
God used Jay in so many ways during this transition to speak to me. A counselor referred to him as an indigo child who are are children who are believed to possess special, unusual and sometimes supernatural traits or abilities. I call it nothing but the Spirit of God using one of His vessels to do His will. Don't ever underestimate who God will use and how He will move.
All of this may sound strange to you. That's okay... This is my testimony.
I was in a very imperfect state, but God carried and loved me all the way through it. I recovered with God's power and grace. I endured emotional bankruptcy to tell you it won't last. It will only make you stronger when the next life episode comes your way. You never know how close you are to a deposit.
When I peep in that rearview mirror, I realize I'm so much stronger now, emotionally and spiritually. God has made some unimaginable deposits in my life. Now I'm living in overflow.
#emotionalbankruptcy #donotgiveuporin #nowI'mlivinginoverflow
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