Not My Circus - Not My Monkeys!

Yeah, I'm tired.  Officially worn out three weeks before Christmas.  I should be feeling excited about the holidays.  Like most of my friends, I feel some type of stress, anxiety and even moments of depression most days.  I have to remind myself that God does not intend for me to live this way.  More importantly I chose JOY a while back and I feel it slowly slipping from my hands.

So, after careful navigation of surviving my son's 10th birthday and Thanksgiving, I'm declaring: NOT MY CIRCUS-NOT MY MONKEYS!  Say it with me!  I've taken on the drama, foolishness (let's call it what it really is) and problems of other people that I can't solve, don't need to deal with or is simply none of my business.

I'm NOT your ringmaster!

I have my daily battles and drama that is often self-inflicted or misdirected my way.  So, I'm pretty busy most days. I have my own three-ring circus and more monkeys than I can handle.  I don't need to live under anyone else's big tent.  I have my own.

A part of choosing JOY is choosing which battles to fight and standing on your own for what's best for you.  It's not easy, but very doable.  I have learned to say NO. However, human socialization expects a reason, but we offer excuses instead.  I say NO if I can't make it happen.  More importantly, I say NO if I DON'T want to.  The latter is very difficult for most people, especially family and friends to understand.  It is what it is.  I'm okay with it and so should others. 

The monkeys aren't trained, but manipulated.

I know manipulation oh too well.  The ringmaster manipulates the monkeys to do certain tricks at the expense of making others laugh and feel good. Ultimately, the monkeys aren't free to do whatever they do.  I'm not a monkey in your circus.  (REPEAT!)  I no longer allow others to manipulate me in doing things that only satisfy their emotions, spirit or well-being.  I know how this circus trick works.  I admit that I can be pretty good at it if when needed to do so. 

So, I'm exiting your tent.  I'm leaving all of the excitement and drama to you. I've performed in way too many circuses this year and it's time to retire. I plan to have more JOY.  I choose laughing over hurting.  I choose love over lust.  I choose living over being. 

#NotMyCircusNotMyMonkeys  #NotYourRingmaster #IChooseJoy  #LivingOverBeing

Bluetooth: Pairing & Unpairing

A gadget geek like me loves Bluetooth technology! It gives me the capability to link multiple devices together including my vehicle.  I can create a hotspot  or share music and data via a simple connection.  The connection is made by pairing the nearby devices via Bluetooth.  The key to the connection is making sure that your device is visible.  Once connected the device can remain visible to only paired devices or be visible at all times to any other Bluetooth-enabled device if you choose.

My soul is a device.  It's loaded with highly sensitive and important information. It has a Power Source that isn't plugged into a wall when the battery runs low. My device is refurbished but is still compatible with all of the software updates. It doesn't get traded in for an upgrade.  It has a warranty under the Grace & Mercy plan.  The screen doesn't break when it hits the ground because of the Holy Shield.  My memory card is manufactured by Forgiveness, Inc.  

My device is not visible but it's discoverable. It's not compatible in creating a quick hotspot. My device is programmed to share unlimited data with another device in the cloud. So, my device has been unpairing with other devices.  It's a process.  There are a lot of files shared.  Some files have become corrupt and others are stored on the memory card.  Some devices have prevented my device from operating properly.  So, I'm uninstalling applications and adjusting the settings. I'm freeing up some space.  

What is your device paired to?  Stop draining your battery and unpair some devices. Change your device settings. Plug into your Power Source.  You will discover your device will work a lot better.

#Unpairing  #WaitingForASoftwareUpdate  #DiscoverableNotVisible

Power Outage

Sometimes during storms we lose power.  Losing power can cause to move to a temporary place.  We may not be able to conveniently nourish or cleanse ourselves.  It can create an uncomfortable environment.  

While riding this storm, I lost power. The storm became too much and the power went out.   The power to think rationally. The power to move beyond my feelings of despair.  The power to cleanse my soul of unwanted emotions and thoughts.  The power to resist. The power to say no or simply say yes.  

I felt powerless.

When we feel powerless, we are not using our faith. We are believing in only what we see...a storm. We only see the clouds, rain and feel the wind pushing against us. We don't see the rainbows, clear blue skies and feel the sun kissing our face.  

Well, my power is back on.

I'm no longer allowing myself to get sucked back to where God is moving me from.  The purpose of the storm is to move you, make you stronger.  It's not about how long the storm lasts.  It's more about how you weather the storm. It's about learning to hold on while everything continues to fall apart. 

I am a very powerful individual.  I have the power to think and feel.  I also have the power to prevent myself from living and enjoying my life. I have the power to make choices, good ones and bad ones. 

So everyday I wear the coat of hope, carry the umbrella of prayer and walk in boots of faith to face my storm.  

#IsYourPowerOn  #WhatAreYouWearingInYourStorm #SunnyDaysAhead

Destination Rock Bottom

When I'm going through my storm I often feel desperate, anxious and hopeless.  I make poor choices.  I feel like I've finally hit rock bottom like it's a destination point.  Rock Bottom is not on my itinerary, and hadn't planned to go to there.  Somehow I find myself traveling on this road with a sign reading Destination Rock Bottom ahead.  So, I'm making a choice in the wee hours of the night to make a U-turn.

  

My spirit cringes every time I heard the word joy.  I cringe only because I had allowed my storms to overshadow my faith and hope.  I was spending time convincing my spirit of one thing but following my mind on something totally different.  I don't want to be in this spiritual space of despair.  It's when we are so close to Destination Rock Bottom that we become more in tune with what is about to happen our lives.  It's like the point of no return.  (The devil is a liar!)

I'm back with a life-changing decision.  I choose JOY!  It's easy to say despite what is happening in my life I choose to be faithful, hopeful and joyous through the storms, but he hardest part is believing.  So, my life-changing decision is believing it. Remember, I'm human, perfectly imperfect.  

I have to remind myself of the story of Job.  I must learn to patiently endure what God is doing in my life.  He knows best and keeps His promises.  I consider what I'm going through nothing like the magnitude of Job's suffering. Suffering is relational. I'm learning to be grateful in knowing that God doesn't give us more than we can handle.

My journey continues....

I choose to be grateful that I am still here fighting through this storm.  I choose to be faithful that God is going to turn this thing around when He's ready.  I choose to position myself to know that I can still be happy in spite of the hell that is breaking loose in my life.  I choose to be I'mPossible.  I choose JOY!

You are going through something. You feel like you are close to Destination Rock Bottom in your job, your marriage, your relationship, your finances or your health.  Know that God will choose to turn your situation around or He may choose to turn you around. He also gives you the free will to make a choice too. Make the U-turn.  

#DesitnationRockBottomIsNotOnMyGPS #MakeTheUTurn #ChooseJoy

Whole in One

Why are status labels so important in our society?  Why can't we just be label free?  So when I'm challenged with choosing that box that best describes my status, my spirit fills with a flurry of emotion.  Do I check divorced or single? 

I openly describe myself as divorced Christian mother.  Divorced and Christian are competing descriptors.  You are Christian and divorced?  How can that be?  For the purpose of this blog I wanted to validate my experience with my readers to let them now that I've been married and my experiences are true and relevant.  Almost as if I must be "certified" to write about my own experiences.

I have an  I'mPossible friend who is only a couple of years older than my stepson, but wise beyond her years.  During one of our intellectually charged conversations we began talking about being single. She wasn't ashamed to be so in her mid-20s.  More importantly for her single simply meant being whole and not alone. 

The conversation continued because she is where I used to be and desperately trying to get back to.  Well, being young isn't obviously on the list, but her spunk, energy and love of life is so vivid! I want to feel that way again! I shared with her that I had not moved to single status for several reasons.  I'm still grieving the end of my marriage.  It's not necessarily because of my ex-spouse, but because of all of the memories that were created and how they will never be created by that unit again. 

I'm in transition. 

I can't move from married to single status over night. I'm still divorcing from a lot of other things in my life.  Emotions.  Soul ties.  Anger.  Resentment.  Brokenness. I'm still going through the process to becoming Whole in One. I'm work in progress. I'm focused on being honest with where I am in life and divorce people, behavior and thinking that prevents me from finding my joy again. I will be free from hurt and anger.  No longer thriving off resentment and pieced back together.  Whole again. 

In the meantime, I patiently allow God to have His way. I don't understand it all.  The process is scary at times.  The stress can be unbearable.  I'm learning not to worry too much, but my body sometimes feels otherwise.

Learn to live label free.  Divorce the people and things that are holding you back from what God wants for you.  Focus becoming whole again. 

#DivorcingStuff  #WholeInOne  #LivingLabelFree

A Mind Blowing Experience NOT for the Physically Charged

For the longest time I thought intimacy was a dirty word!  It was something purely physical.  During my college years I learned that it was much more. I remember taking a mental health course my second year while at UVa.  One of the most interesting and profound bits of knowledge I learned was that "eating"  was the most intimate act between two people. 

It sounds rather odd, but think about it.  A mother shares food with her newborn by breastfeeding. A natural form of intimacy.  Families across the US come together for Thanksgiving every year for intimate family gatherings to give thanks but more importantly to eat together.  Those moments create intimate family memories that last a lifetime. However, these moments of intimacy require individuals to be giving, honest and receptive.  A connection is formed. 

Eating does not require taking your clothes off and neither does intimacy. Sounds deep?  Maybe.  Maybe not.

It's relational in nature but transparent by design.

So, now I'm NOT looking for the physically charged.  I am looking for the emotional connection to my soul.  I have this innate desire to receive emotional and intellectual stimulation often.  What I'm learning is that there is plenty opportunity for the physical but a shortage on the emotional. Why would I want physical engagement prior to emotional engagement.  That's not my flow and I'm good. I choose celibacy so the hunger for the emotional is quite intense.  (Pause: Yes, celibacy. I'm still human and female.) 

For me, intimacy is a spiritual experience of the mind and soul of a person connecting with a like-minded desire with another person.  God wants us to be intimate with Him everyday.  He wants us to share our dreams, fears, worries and desires with Him.  Yet we won't even share it with the Being that made us who we are.  We wonder why we struggle in our relationships. 

Intimacy doesn't require one to be a deep thinker or an excellent communicator.  It only requires transparency and openness with another soul.  It's relational not entirely physical. If you believe it doesn't exist in this form, you are deceiving yourself.  This level is intimacy is possible and real. I can't wait to blog about when I make that connection!

#IntimateMoments #SoulSearching #MindBlowing #SomeThingsAreWorthWaitingFor

Perfectly Imperfect

I'm no longer a sponge.  Yes, a sponge.  I've been doing some spiritual purging and it occurred to that I've soaked up a lot of what others have poured into my spirit and mind.  I've been taking in one spoon at a time.  Now, I'm full and spiritually sick. 

While soaking in what others were pouring into me, I've become diluted.  I became whatever someone needed me to be whenever they needed often getting nothing in return. Was I afraid of losing love or acceptance?  For me there was a desire to be perfect in every way. 


Why wasn't (isn't) just being Sheby enough?

Imperfections only define characteristics that are uniquely you. Imperfections only appear negative when compared to all things perfect.  Who are you comparing yourself to? Filter the content.  Compare yourself to who YOU used to be and where YOU want to be. The true benchmark is the growth and maturity of only YOU and no one else.

Squeeze the sponge...

Squeezing the sponge is a daunting requirement to return to the essence of you. Squeezing the sponge means refusing to accept certain people, thinking and behavior in your life that focus on your imperfections. Be careful who you allow to pour into your sponge. Anyone who pours into my life should love my imperfections and embrace all of me.  The relationship must be transparent free of pride, ego and shame. You have nothing to prove. You are enough.

God does not expect perfection.  He perfectly created me to be imperfect. Stop trying to undo or dilute God's perfect creation.  Every day God is perfectly shaping and molding you to be perfectly imperfect.  Live in great joy of His creation--YOU!

#YouAreEnough #ReturnToTheEssenceOfYou #GodPerfectlyCreatedYouToBeImperfect

I'mPerfectly I'mPatient

In my post Enduring the Storm I shared how God is shaping me.  Here's what I'm learning about God and more importantly about me.

Patience is a virtue. So, God is shaping my ability to become more patient. There are three major things that I desire to happen in my life.  It's hasn't happened yet and doesn't seem anywhere close to happening.  So, what do I do?  I get impatient.  I get anxious.  I get stressed out...even more.  I look for shortcuts, workarounds or any opportunity to speed the process up.  Well, it ain't working!

So in the midst of this storm, I'm learning patience.  When I'm impatient, I'm acting and deciding on impulse.  Impatience is an opportunity to ignore God. Yes, impatient spirits don't have time to pray and fast because they want Jesus to stop what He's doing and fix it.  This behavior only indulges Satan to manifest himself when we need to communicate with God the most. 

This storming has been brewing for a while now.  A component of your faith is patience.  You can't have faith in God and spend every waking hour trying to figure how you are going to make the impossible happen. (Note, not the I'mPossible,  You should know the difference by now.) God started molding me when I separated from my ex-husband.  I had to learn to be patient through a lot.  At that moment in my life I never thought it would be that dark and stormy again so soon.  

Remember: His timing, not mine.

What's different this time around?  This storm is all about me and nobody else.  It's much harder when you are dealing with only yourself.  These are moments when you can really see who you really are and understand who God wants you to be.  He wants me to be patient. He wants me to be a Virtuous Woman. For once in my life, I do too!

So, I'm praying this prayer: Father God, give me Patience as you reveal your plan for my life to me.  Help me to follow in the footsteps of where you are leading me to go.  In Jesus name, amen. 

Although the storm is still raging, I keep going because of my faith.  It will pass. Until it does, I'mPerfectly I'mPatient. 


#I'mPerfectlyI'mPatient  #PatienceIsAVirture #AVirtuousWomanInTheMaking

Enduring the Storm

Seems like I haven't had much to share lately. It's the complete opposite.  Well, a storm came through.  My world has been like a Category 5 Hurricane with five different names.  I've battled health issues that has limited my ability to put my thoughts to print.  My professional and personal lives squeeze every bit of energy I have.  

But I'm still here....holding on with faith. 

The one thing that I'm learning through this storm is patience and temperance.  As a result of reading my blog, an I'mPossible friend asked if I would take an assessment called "How Well Do I Love?"  It gives a person a picture of themselves as it pertains to love and clarifies what love is biblically.  The assessment is a tool for healing and for the edification for current and future relationships.  

He sent me the link and after some procrastinating, I finally took the assessment.  My results were not what I expected.  Our education system focuses so much on passing and failing that I interpreted my results as being average! I'll share my scores later, but  the focus of this post is where my scores were lowest, temperance, patience, kindness and love towards self.

Anyone who REALLY knows me can tell you that I have the patience of a stink bug.  Yep, I don't like extra, drama, foolishness, ignorance and the list goes on but you get the idea. Extra is not my ministry! 

So, God is shaping me.  

This Category 5 is teaching me a lot about humility and continuing to love myself through the storm.  I've been in a vulnerable emotional and physical space for some time now.  Loving yourself can be hard when you're going through the storm.  Somehow when you run out of others to blame, you blame yourself. Being in a guilty space can do a lot of damage and leave us vulnerable to anything that we think will take the guilt away.  Don't be fooled. We just don't end up where we are for no reason and it's not always our fault. Hurricanes have a way of tossing and turning things upside down.  They can be scary and even deadly. I'm being weathered in every possible way.

I'm respecting God's timetable.  

It's so hard most days. Some days I'm emotionally drained.  Here lately most are physically challenging.  I count it all as a blessing because I'm still here. We always want Jesus to hurry up and fix it. There are no quick fixes--only fasting and praying. I respect it's all in His time and not mine.    There is a purpose.

If you are enduring a storm, be patient.  Respect God's work and timing. The purpose of the storm is to create something new.....in you!

#RespectGod'sWorkandTiming  #BePatient  #LoveYourselfThroughItAll

  

Perfection is Not a Requirement

Today I experienced the power of hope.  Yes, hope. Hope is the feeling of expectation.  Hope is the thread that keeps your faith intact.  Remember your faith is in motion but hope is keeping it together. Let me explain.

Hope led me to a stranger who is now my friend through her faith in Christ.  We somehow got connected on Facebook through a couple of mutual connections. I can't remember if I sent her the connection or she sent it to me. (Stay with me...the Holy Spirit is working.) She shared with me that around 3:30 am she reached to turn off her mobile phone.  For some reason she chose to check her phone and saw my blog post, Faith in Motion.  She commented and asked that I send her my phone number so we could connect.  I sent her my phone number. Normally I would not have done this.  She's somewhat a stranger, but I did it without considering any consequence other than she would call. She called and left me a message to say that my post led her into prayer because it was the word she needed from God.  I later called her back and we just talked. I told her receiving her message this morning brought me to tears, prayer and worship too. 

Sometimes the very word you are seeking from God gets transferred to someone else and back to you to confirm that God is working it out for you. (Yes, that was a mouthful. But read it again.)  I told her that my posts are genuinely written as my life happens unscripted.  I craft these posts either in my head during the course of the day and then furiously transfer them to my computer. Sometimes something tugs at my spirit and I just share it.  

I've never tried anything like this before. This is God.  All Him.  I started this blog while sitting at my desk one day at work because I had this burst of creative energy that I needed to release. The blog title came and the words flowed from my heart in a matter of minutes. As I wrote Faith in Motion, I was weary and exhausted wanting to give up. What the devil tried to take from me yesterday was returned by God today. Today hope brought me renewed faith and focus.

My life is imperfect in every way and can be quite jacked up if I let it.  I know God is doing something in me and preparing something wonderful for my life. Connecting with this new friend strengthened my hope in what God has promised for me and her. I don't know her story.  I do know that she is connecting herself to God which will keep her connected to me. 

God sent another word for me today. A friend texted me the quote, "You don't need to be perfect to inspire others. Let people get inspired how you deal with your imperfection."  I simply replied, "Glory!" 

Life isn't perfect but you can still be possible in everything you do. Perfection is not a requirement. I'm getting closer...we're getting closer!

#TheHopeExperience  #PerfectionIsNotARequirement  #OnTheVergeOfABreakthrough

Faith in Motion

My faith is in motion, very slow motion. This week has proved to be very challenging and exhausting physically and emotionally.  Almost getting through the day seemed impossible at best.  But I'm still here...

I decided to make some personal sacrifices this week. Lately I have not made the best decisions for myself.  I reacted based on emotion or decided on compulsion.  Not good either way.  So, I decided to fast. The prayer keeps me in dialogue with God and the fasting disciplines me to respect His power while controlling my own desires.

It's time to deny myself what I want and receive what God wants for me. Let's just say the devil has come heavy handed with a team of bandits.  He's tried to kill my spirit, attack my character and steal my hope. Every thought, word or action put me in crisis mode this week. There were moments I wanted to cry to comfort myself and I couldn't. My physical defenses became weaker and started opening windows and doors to all sorts of demonic thoughts and spirits to take up residence in my spirit. 

I'm still here because I know God is up to something. The devil has tried to make me feel less than all week in every area of my life.  He's worked overtime and it's only Wednesday. These are the moments when you when you just want to give in which is worse than giving up.  Giving up is knowing that what the devil is saying is a lie but you fail to keep pushing through it and accept whatever comes your way.  I refuse. Giving in is believing what the devil is telling you about your situation or yourself. He wants you to give in to his dire ways, his lack and his darkness and reside there. This is never an option. 

  

The devil only fights you when God is on the verge of doing something great. I was close to giving up today.  Very close. It's okay.  I'm still here.  I'm still fighting.  Still praying.  Still fasting.  Still believing.

Whatever you are going through is temporary.  The devil is after you because God is doing something for you. Your faith is what is going to allow you to see it. Keep your faith in motion.  You're going to win!

#FaithInMotion  #IgnoreTheDevil #AllIDoIsWinWithGod

Breaking Free From Religion

My blog title is not quite what you expected on a Sunday.  Before I go any further let me explain. I'm breaking free from tradition, society imposed and man-made organization of how I should live my life. Just that simple.  Let's proceed with an open mind and heart.  

About 40-45% of what we do every day is a habit, ritual or tradition.  We have programmed our selves to live our lives in a manner in which we were socialized. Our lives are not relational by nature. For example, my home church believed that women were to never wear pants to church (under any circumstances), step foot at the altar or rightfully understand her role in the church. There was order to everything and any thing out of the order was blasphemous. 

Sounds rather insignificant, right. Maybe so, but the impact is greater.  My existence as a female and how I saw myself was rooted in this religion. However, as I matured I began to question this belief system. (Oops, little girls are to be seen and not heard. Dang it!)  But as I get older, I'm learning that a lot of my struggles in my life are tied to the religion of unhealthy habits, ungodly belief systems and mere tradition. I'm still challenging this religious existence. 

My marriage was a religion. Meet somebody. Fall in love. Get married. Buy a home. Have a kid. And then what?  What's next? What is the purpose?  What is the dream? What are we doing? Spend another 40 years fulfilling religious expectations? 

This is no longer my story or religion.

I'm looking for relationship.  (Notice there is no "a" preceding the word relationship.)  Once again, I'm not looking for someone.  I'm looking for something. I want to live free in all that God has for me.  I want to live and love beyond the surface.  I want to touch the heart and soul of those connected to me.  I don't want to be connected based on what they can do for me superficially or physically. I want to be fulfilled in all areas of my life. 

Relationship means work, sacrifice, commitment and love. It's unconventional in every dimension. Dimensional!  Not one-sided!  All areas of a thing coming together to make a greater thing! If I ever want my life to be meaningful and fulfilling, there has to be a relationship with God.  A relationship that is not rote behavior and practices to fulfill an empty promise. It's not church.  It's relational.

Growing this relationship is challenging and takes time. Religion slows things down, the elephant in the room takes up way too much space and I keep getting in my own way. I fall short often. Praying is communicating with God not begging him to save me from something He has already delivered me from. Study His word for what it means and not what it says.  There is a difference.  Learning the power of discernment! 

I'm breaking free of the religion and being bound by meaningless traditions and expectations that are not positioned or ordained by God.  Learning to be free in His spirit, swept by His love and secure in His grace is enough for me. This kind of love requires giving up something, a part of ourselves. That's the beauty of it. It's the relationship that reciprocates over and over again. I'm not perfect, but I'mPerfectly seeking a relationship. 

Live outside of the man-made box for once.  Explore the unconventional love of relational living. Love is not a religion.  It's a relationship. 

#ReligionFreeLifestyle   #UnconventionalLove #RelationalLiving 

Handsfree

I never knew until today how much I use my hands. I'm living handsfree for the next several days.  Yes, handsfree. In the last couple of weeks, my fingers have become immovable sausages feeling like they're frying in a pan. So, the doctor, said not to return to work and limit the use of my hands. Over exertion is his current thought, but not a diagnosis. This blog post and cooking dinner are the only activities using my hands today.  My mind has been quite busy which I also contribute to my prescribed prednisone. The last thing I needed was a steroid!  

So, what does a Super/Wonder Woman like me do?  Think, watch mindless TV and surf the Internet on one of my devices until the battery dies and then I move on to the next fully charged one.  

(Note to self, time to get more screen protectors.)

My hands keep me busy doing something from the second my feet hit the floor each morning to the moment my head hits my pillow. At work, I'm using my hands at my desk non-stop for about 7-8 hours a day.  Answering emails, filling out forms, signing documents, writing notes and the list goes on.  My thumbs and index fingers are in constant motion when I receive a call, scrolling Facebook, playing on apps or sending texts.  Get home, it's cooking dinner, laundry, driving, going to the gym, or other activities.  

So, my hands stopped working today.  If it wasn't for the pain I probably would have ignored the doctor and kept my hands pretty busy. I can't imagine my life being differently-abled, but I'm all about God's will so, I won't go there.  

In the boredom of my day, I did receive a spiritual diagnosis. Handsfree.... Yep.  My hands are over exerted, stressed.  I'm carrying my stress in critical areas of my body. Believe me, I was there about two years ago with mysterious excruciating stomach pains that yielded Vicodin prescriptions and empty test results.  I was carrying the stress of a failing marriage during December of 2012.  It was the worst Christmas ever! Here I am again, but with my hands suffering. I am wrestling with some stuff (I can't describe it any other way for it to make sense,) and I'm getting in my own way of trying to fix it.  My hands are all in it. God is telling me to stop and be still.

(Another note to self, I'm going to figure this out one day and save money on copays!)

God has a way of stopping us dead in our tracks when it's time for Him to navigate things.  I'm so caught up being Super/Wonder Woman, that I forget the Real Superhero!  (I hope to complete this thought before my prednisone wears off!) He gave His Son who was pierced in His hands for me. That was a human sacrifice for a superhuman will.  Every time I feel pain in my hands, I think of His hands and His suffering for me. So, humbling and there is no greater sacrifice or love!

So, I'm now  living a handsfree life.  Let God be God. My hands are not His hands. Ask for His hand in everything! 

#HandsfreeLifestyle #HisHandsBledForMe #MyHandsAreNotHisHands

Sharing my story. We Fight Together!

When asked to share my story, I had to think really hard about whether I had a story.  We all have a story within us.  We decide whether we give it a voice.  I gave my story a voice in June when I created my blog I’mPerfectly I’mPossible.  My blog shares my journey of navigating through life’s imperfections to a destination of possibilities.  This journey is about my struggle through an unwanted divorce, discovering who I had become and who God wants to me to be. 

I turned 40 in April and had become a divorced single mother.  My personal life was in turmoil.  My professional life had rendered a demotion and all of its disadvantages. In a matter of three weeks I was stripped of everything that I had worked so hard to achieve. This is not the place I imagined I’d be at 40.  I felt devalued and without purpose. I fought the good fight and ended up defeated.  At least that’s what the enemy wanted me to believe.  My battle was not about defeat but achieving a level of victory for God’s Kingdom.  It was a victory in breaking emotional and spiritual bondage. I divorced a life that did not build me spiritually and emotionally.  God restored everything that I unknowingly gave away.  God does not intend for us to live in any kind of bondage whether it’s mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual or social.  The battle in each of us is to free ourselves and to live and love in purpose.

My blog has helped me give life to how I’m evolving into my purpose while healing along the way.  This journey requires me to be transparent in dealing with the elephant in the room, traveling without baggage and recovering from emotional bankruptcy. I’m discovering my purpose every day.  My purpose gives me the strength to keeping fighting to love again while unlocking all the possibilities that God has for me.  

While on your journey, remember to focus on what you’re fighting to rather than what you’re fighting against.   I’m Sheby.  I’mPerfectly I’mPossible.  So are you. 

For more information about We Fight Together organization, please click on the link to the right under I'mPerfectly I'mPossible Resources.

Checking out of Heartbreak Hotel

Last night I checked in Heartbreak Hotel.  I didn't realize I slept there until this morning. It's amazing how you end up places and not know how you actually got there.  But, luckily, I think I know how I ended up there.  I had a brief conversation with someone and it just stirred up some emotions that I've been trying to move beyond.  

Some days are easier than others but I'm getting there one day at a time.  This is a journey.  Some days drag on and on and others zoom by.  Next week will mark a year since my divorce. No need to celebrate or mark it on the calendar.  It just is.

There are days where I think about what I could have done differently.  Some days I feel guilty.  I can't tell you why, but I just do.  Other days my frustration is wrought with anger and resentment.  I'm convinced that I didn't deserve this.  

But wait a minute!  I know you're thinking I was moving beyond this stage. The answer is yes, but I also said that I was imperfectly human.  Yes, I still trust God in this healing process.  I still believe that there is something greater before me.  This period in my life is a season.  But through it all, I'm still hurting and my feelings are real.

One thing I teach my son is to feel and understand his feelings.  He sees me cry from time to time.  It doesn't always mean that I'm sad.  It could mean that I'm overwhelmed with what God continues to do for us although I feel like we don't deserve it.  I giggle or cry out in laughter.  When we both have a case of the giggles and it appears to be contagious between the two of us. He sees me worshipping God just because he is God.  He is learning to express himself too.

However, I'm careful about sharing my emotions of a broken heart.  I don't want him to carry resentment towards his dad.  It wasn't his fault and he couldn't have done anything to change the outcome.  I do teach him that sometimes the ones we love do hurt us.  It doesn't make them a bad person. It just makes them human.  At some point we may hurt someone too!  

So, the key to checking out of Heartbreak Hotel is forgiveness.  I'll have to keep forgiving until it sticks.  Forgetting is the hardest part.  I'm checking out of Heartbreak Hotel this morning.  I don't plan to check back in anytime soon. Luckily my stay was just for one night.

Are you currently staying in Heartbreak Hotel?  Forgiveness is the key to checking out.  Let your stay be temporary.

#HeartbreakHotel  #CheckingOutToday  #MyStayIsTemporary

The Elephant in the Room

I collect elephants.  I have them all over my house. You can find them on my shelves, walls, bathroom, jewelry box and clothes.  I'm very picky about my elephant pieces--the color, quality, material and the trunk must be up!

It was until today after spending it with an I'mPossible friend, I recognized there was an elephant in the room that I hadn't acknowledged in my collection.

My friend and I had initially planned our day to be focused on our beginnings of a creative endeavor.  We never got there...we opened our laptops but we immediately began feeding our souls with grown folk conversation about relationships, marriage, gender roles and the psychology and sociology list goes on and on.  We thrive on piecing the dynamics of relationships and what tears them down or apart.  We arrive at the conclusion of the generational divide of our parents and the spiritual desire to guide us beyond saying I do.  There was soul searching, laughter, confusion coupled with lunch and retail therapy. But we always end up wanting the same things for different reasons.

Our conversation always include us being candidly honest about each other's experience's and current state of mind.  Tonight's conversation ended quite differently.  We rounded our conversation talking about generational curses. She acknowledged hers and I discovered more of mine.  I had painted a picture for myself and others that my divorce was a statistic or just another curse continuing for another generation.  

But wait...most of our conversation had been focused on the generational divide about the motivating factors of why our grandparents or parents married.  The obvious reasons of that generation weren't attractive or sexy at all.  Did my grandparents or parents marry because it was the right or obvious thing to do?  Were the females in lineage line pregnant and HAD to get married?  Was it the only way for consensual and monogamous sex without going to hell? I know that these observations sound over the top but may be closer to the truth than we think.  

The one thing we realized in sharing our family examples was the lack of detectable emotion in the generation before us. Once again nothing unusual, but something that intrigued us both.  

It was then that I discovered my elephant in the room.  I spent my entire life exposed to relationships lacking open affection and love.  Relationships appear strained, controlling, forced, manipulative and heavily concentrated on traditional gender roles.  Relationships rooted in fear and control aren't relationships but emotional slavery.  We become slaves to the things that bind our spirits. Breaking the curses require doing and living differently and praying for God's grace to free us.  I thought being the Good Wife was good enough and  I was socialized to think that would keep my marriage intact. My examples were never based on God's word but tradition or religion.  There was a pattern.

Today, I realized that I'm breaking the curse of tradition and ungodly control in relationships.  This is not God's love or His destiny for us to purposeful and meaningful lives. Understand that I recognize relationships are not perfect, but they should always have room for love and forgiveness. 

The elephant in the room can be alcoholism, forms of abuse, abandonment, pride, addictions, anger,idolatry, sexual sins and the list continues. We all have an elephant collection.  What is the elephant in your room?  What is the one thing in your life keeping you in bondage?   What are you going to do differently?

#TheElephantInTheRoom  #AcknowledgeIt  #LivingDifferentlyforDifferentOutcomes

Moving from the Place of No Longer Good Enough to the Land of Being Too Much

Gender roles are more powerful than we realize. Growing up I spent the majority of my formative years around men.  My dad was one of six brothers and two sisters. In the same lineage I became one granddaughter of five grandsons (for about twelve years.) My two aunts were away in college.  I received my feminine role modeling from my mom's four sisters.  Her two brothers lived hours away.  So, most of my time was spent with boys and men.

I learned to fight like the boys.  I also learned (with the help of my paternal grandmother) how to get the boys to play with my Barbie dolls when they didn't want to be bothered with me.  I realize at forty my grandmother taught me the art of manipulation.  I'm sure she had to exercise this skill with six boys in the house.

Growing up, I washed the cars, mowed the grass and did things that some other girls my age didn't necessarily do or consider.  In most cases I don't recall having a choice. All I ever heard was, "If you don't work, you don't eat." I truly believe that I am among the last generation that will be reared that way.

So, when I got married, I followed the gender roles that my mother set before me.  I cooked dinner just about every night. I'm not talking about Hamburger Helper.  I'm talking a meat, vegetable and couple of starches.  I worked a stressful job, shared the responsibility of paying bills and managed a household.  I cleaned the house and shared the laundry responsibilities.  I made sure we worshipped at church on Sunday and we were organized as a family unit as much as possible. I supported all of my ex-spouses activities that would sometimes require leaving work, picking up my son from school and driving up to almost an hour to support him.  

I was what I considered the Good Wife. I felt like I did everything every good woman and wife should do in a marriage. Then came a day where that didn't seem good enough to keep the marriage together.  I had entered the Place of No Longer Good Enough.  None of those efforts and commitment no longer mattered.  I never claimed to be a perfect wife, but I think that I was a pretty darn good one.  (That's not for you to judge, but it's definitely my opinion.)

While in the Land of No Longer Good Enough, I no longer have a spouse to share the workload. I bought my first home by myself. I work and pay my own bills.  I clean my own house and wash my own car.  I'm a single mother raising a son. Looking in the rearview mirror, I truly believe I was being groomed early in life for this transition. I'm not special. I am like a million other women in this world.

So, what's the problem?  I'm headed to the Land of Being Too Much.

The Land of Being Too Much is where you are labeled that you don't need a man, or you intimidate men or you're too much to handle.  The devil is a liar!  

I'm a woman who is trying to make a life for herself and her son. I'm not going to apologize or change my focus because someone else is focused on what they think they know about me.  Don't label me Miss Independent Woman.  If you would like to apply labels, I prefer the biblical term A Virtuous Woman! Like most women, I have a lot of expectations to meet every day. Many women have to meet the expectations of being a wife, a mother, a Christian, an employee, a daughter, sister, friends and the list goes on.  

I've been in a weird place lately.  I'm tired of being treated like I'm not enough or too much. We all fall short.  Equal opportunity at it's best.  I don't claim to be perfect and excuse me if you think I am. That's your cross to bear not mine. I claim to be I'mPerfectly I'mPossible.  Everyday is a balancing act of dealing with my imperfections while exploring the possibilities of life. It wears on my soul and mind.  Expectations on the job. Expectations from friends.  Expectations from my children.  Sometimes they are more than I can handle.

Once again I'm not going to apologize for being me.  I will not apologize for being a strong woman trying to find her way in this crazy world.

I am a woman who still likes the door opened for her.  I am a woman who will fall in love with your soul.  I am a woman who loves to have fun and enjoy life.  I am a woman who will not put up with being treated less than she deserves and knows her worth.  

I believe my stay in the Land of Being Too Much is temporary.  You have to get to know the true me to know that I'm on my way to the World of I'mPossibilities.

Are you in the Place of No Longer Good Enough or in the Land of Being Too Much?  No worries. You are only passing through if you choose to.  

#PlaceOfNoLongerGoodEnough  #LandOfBeingTooMuch  #PassingThrough  #HeadedtotheWorldofI'mPossibilities

Unplugging

There are many days when I feel the walls are closing in on me.  Somebody is wanting, needing or asking for something.  I work in Human Resources and an one employee resource.  There are days when multitasking is not enough. But that's only the day job.  I'm a chauffeur, bank teller, personal chef, housekeeper and Google to a nine year old. Let's not forget PTA and other obligations.

There's a line drawn in the sand and every time I cross it, it's harder to come back.  Part of that line in the sand gets washed away. Panic settles in and then BOOOOOMMMMMM! Something goes off, usually your emotions with some choice words thrown in.  For me, a panic attack.  Yep, it took me to become a grown woman to literally have a melt down.

Panic attacks are new for me.  I just started experiencing them in the last couple of years.  For a while I thought I was premenopausal and it was a horrendous hot flash as diagnosed by my mother. I was so plugged in as a wife, mother, HR professional, daughter and friend, I lost me along the way. 

Seemingly normal looking and acting people like me do have meltdowns. I'm just bold enough to admit I have them. It took a trained professional to tell me what was going on, but needless to say, it DID NOT make me feel any better.  I just added another condition and/or prescription to my HIPAA list.

There was no rhyme or reason to having them at first.  I could be in Target (one of my favorite places), at work or even at home. I even had one at the gym while working out with my trainer.  Isn't exercise supposed to reduce stress?  

We think that we always need to be connected. Research tells us to turn off our electronic devices at night to unplug ourselves from work which is a MAJOR source of stress.  Reduce our activity on social networking sites. Any one who knows me, know I love gadgets.  I carry my Samsung phablet everywhere.  My aunt was so surprised by the size, she asked if it was 5G.  (If 5G was available, I'd already be on it.)  When those beloved devices start doing weird things, we restart it, do a battery pull or unplug it and plug it back into something for it to work properly again.

I later learned that I had no way of personal release. I was losing focusing. Whining and complaining to friends only intensified the stress.  It's like a kid opening and closing a band-aid to see if the bleeding had stopped.  It's still bleeding!

My therapist told me focus on me--nothing and no one else. Now, I unplug from people and situations. I just walk away. Easier said than done but liberating when I muster up the courage to do so. I shouldn't keeping waiting until I'm in a jam, exhausted or desperate to unplug. Recently I discovered a nice 3.5 mile trail in a local park.  I usually walk with friends, but my walks alone are priceless.  I may listen to music. Sometimes I cry. I pray and talk to God. Sometimes I just walk.  Those are the times I actually hear God and what he's saying to me because I'm not listening to anyone else including myself. Especially myself.  

Do I still have panic attacks? Yes, but not as often.  I've sought spiritual and homeopathic alternatives to manage this software glitch in my body. I may call an I'mPossible friend who also has this same software glitch and she talks me off the ledge. Most often I recognize the triggers and immediately head into shutout mode. 

This is not an easy life to live and can be embarrassing. I don't hold myself hostage to the possibility of them happening.  I don't live in shame either. I'm human and that's how God perfectly designed me.

Unplugging gives me the time and space that I rarely get to refocus and regroup. I'mPerfectly okay with being me by myself! 

#GrownFolkMeltdowns  #I'mPerfectlyNotAshamed  #BeingMeByMyself

My I'mPossible Investment Strategy

For once in my life I feel like I have purpose. Purpose beyond being someone's daughter, wife, mother or sister. It's a feeling of I can do this.  I want to do that.  I would love to try that.  It's a feeling of living rather than existing. I'mPossible!

I've been existing for forty years. I've tried to live up to the various expectations of the aforementioned purposes. I invested in people and they invested in me.  However, as a wife, over a period of time some of the investments no longer yielded results due to low or no interest, repeated losses or no gains.  Divorce was a result of no mutual gains.  I'm learning to see my life very differently now.  I have different investors, interests and goals.  Why shouldn't I?  After all, I'm living now.

So now, I'm creating my I'mPossible investment strategy. My strategy is very simple but requires a lot of commitment, love and faith.  Not in that particular order, but it will require me to live rather than exist.  

• Develop a relationship with my Investor.  God is my primary Investor. In this relationship I rely on faith, but commit to obedience.  I have the faith that he will carry me through whatever, whenever.  I have to fully invest in His Word and live accordingly.  This strategy is imperfect on my part, because I will take risks that will not yield positive results. But it's through my repentance that He will make deposits into my account when I'm running low.
• Avoid risky investments.  You've heard everything that looks good isn't good.  I desire to invest my time, love and life with others who share my same strategy.  Being with someone who does not share the same relationship with the Investor, will only land you bankrupt! I've worked too hard to lose it all over again.  I'm learning to pray and ask God for direction about who comes into my life and the purpose they serve.  
• Manage vested interests.  There are benefits to being fully vested.  One party benefits due to the growth of the other over a designated period of time.  I'm making sure that those attached to me are invested because of mutual gains.  Nothing is more devastating to have someone walk away with all of your trust funds leaving you bankrupt!  (Are you seeing a theme here?)
• Enjoy the returns. This is by far the most exciting part of my strategy! These are the moments when all of the investing, funds management and decision making has paid off in a big way.  This is when God shows up with the BIG deposits.

All of this is fairly new to me.  I'm still working out the details, but I'm feeling optimistic about where I'm headed.  It makes me a little nervous, but with a taste of excitement.  This is what living is all about!  

Are you living or simply existing?  What's your I'mPossible investment strategy?

#I'mPossibleInvestments #I'mLivingNotExisiting #KnowingMyInvestor

My Emotional Savings Account

God delivered me from emotional bankruptcy and made some major deposits in my life.  Now, I currently maintain an emotional savings account.  

In this account I safeguard my love, happiness, faith, hopes and dreams.  There is very limited (if any) access.  No unnecessary withdrawals. No transfer of funds.  

I learned that people will continue to emotionally drain you when you have nothing left. Thus, leaving you in overdraft. I consider them to be emotional hackers.  They manage to work their way into your life.  They make you feel good for a little while.  Then they ask for small withdrawals. The cycle continues.  They keep taking all you have to give and give nothing in return.  They are generally co-dependent or high maintenance personalities. They can only thrive on your emotional healthiness. They have no emotional credit worthiness!

Well, my ATM (Augmenting Their Mental state of Mind) is temporarily closed. Yes. Closed.  The spiritual detox showed me that the devil will wear you down until nothing is left.  His goal is to weaken your mental and emotional state to where you feel hopeless and inferior.  The work of the enemy is more powerful than you think.  Dealing with your own demons is nothing compared to dealing with someone else's.  (Let God handle the deliverance.)

I remember having to emotionally pour into my child when I was emotionally spent.  I wanted him to feel safe and secure.  I wanted him to feel like things were going to get better.  How do you do that when you can't quite get there yourself?  It's like lying to your soul.  But God stepped in and made some deposits.  If it had not been for God, I'd still be emotionally bankrupt. 

Anyone who really knows me, know that I'll do whatever I can for you, if you are willing to help yourself first.  But like anything else in life you have to manage it.  If it gets out of hand, depression moves in from the overdraft account.  

I don't mean to sound selfish, but we destroy ourselves trying to save everybody else.  Our lives become wrought with resentment, guilty and anger. That's a triple threat that can lead to emotional loss and can destroy relationships.  I remember feeling this way, quite often.  It's not good for the mind or spirit.  You're making deposits in the wrong accounts.

So, I decided to step back from some family and friends and emotionally check out for a bit.  It's for my own good and probably their's in the long run.  I need some time to build up my reserve. I never know when I need to make a withdrawal for myself let alone anyone else.  I've done a lot of emotional and mental work to get where I am now.  I'm a very different being than I was a year ago.  I'm not willing to sacrifice all of that for mindless withdrawals.  I want to spend my emotions on people and relationships that will help me grow spiritually.  

I've stop letting people who do so little for me control so much of my mind, feelings and emotions.  

Who's making deposits in your emotional savings account?  Who's making withdrawals from your ATM?  Start investing in you!

#emotionalsavingsaccount #nomorewithdrawals #I'mPossibleInvestments